Weight loss thoughts

These photos were all taken in the decade leading up to me joining Slimming World. My weight has fluctuated wildly over the years. I have always been overweight. I was overweight as a child and it continued throughout my teenage years and young adulthood.

I first tried and succeeded in losing weight in 2002/2003. I'd reached 17 and a half stone and decided I had to do something. I lost 3 and a half stone and managed to keep most of it off for nearly 2 years. However in the Spring of 2005 I was off work with stress and I did what I always do when I'm stressed and depressed, I comfort eat.

Between January 2005 and April 2005 I gained 4 stone. 4 stone in 4 months!!! After recovering from that period of illness I realised what I'd done and I was disappointed in myself but I told myself that I'd lost the weight before so I could do it again. It didn't happen. From that day on I got bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a very gradual process. So gradual that I didn't really notice and when I did start to notice I told myself I wasn't that big.

From 2005 to 2012 my weight crept up and even though I knew I was having to buy a bigger size every time I bought clothes (which wasn't very often as I found shopping for clothes very embarrassing) I just ignored the problem. I was literally the elephant in my own room. Even a perfect stranger calling me a "fat c**t" while I was out with friends in Tynemouth one night wasn't enough to convince me to do something about my weight. Instead I decided not to go out to bars anymore. I still socialised with friends if they were going to restaurants and coffee shops or to each others houses but avoided pubs  and clubs as much as I could. Although I enjoyed being with my pals I was always conscious of being the fattest person in the group and when I look at photos taken on these various occasions I'm smiling but inside I'm crying and filled with shame.

In June 2012 I broke my ankle and was off work. To cut a long, painful story short my physical health declined and my mental health deteriorated severely and I didn't go back to work. My employment was officially terminated in February 2013.

In May 2013 I needed to buy a new pair of jeans for an upcoming trip to London and I had to buy a size 30. I was mortified! Needless to say my weight had reached an all time high. On 7th May 2013 I weighed myself and I was 22 stone 2lbs. I'm pretty sure that is the heaviest I got but I may have even been a few pounds heavier before I finally mustered up the courage to weigh myself.

Between May 2013 and September 2014 I managed to lose 3 stone 2lbs. I was so proud of myself. I fully intended to keep going but unfortunately in September 2014 my Aunty Sheila died and again I gave way to my usual pattern of comfort eating. By March 2015 I had put half a stone back on and after that I stopped recording my weight.

In October 2015 I broke my ankle again so I couldn't walk my friend's dogs which was the only exercise I had been getting. Yet again I gradually gained weight and although I could see it going on I was in denial as to how big I was once more becoming.

Physically I was a wreck. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2001. This in addition to my ankle problems made walking and any physical activity very difficult because I'd end up in pain very quickly. I also couldn't walk far without becoming breathless and stairs were my nemesis. As was housework. After only having changed my bed and vacuuming my tiny 14 ft by 6ft bedroom I would look and feel like I'd just ran 10 marathons! I kept telling myself that I'd have to start dieting soon otherwise I'd just get bigger and bigger. The dieting didn't happen but the getting bigger did.

In January 2017 I attended the Royal Victoria Infirmary for a pre-assesment as I needed a gynae procedure under anaesthetic. I had my weight and height checked and bloods taken and then I was sent for an ECG. It came back abnormal. I got a shock. Despite being morbidly obese for years I'd never suffered from high blood pressure or heart problems. I realise now I was VERY lucky! I was booked in for a repeat ECG the following week. The second one was fine. I was relieved but the first result had really frightened me and made me realise that if I didn't do something about my weight I would develop heart problems.

In February 2017 a friend told me she had just joined Slimming World. Slimming clubs had always scared me as I'd never been a fan of fruit and veg and I couldn't cook and those are the two things I thought would be imperative to following a specific plan successfully. Louise was so enthusiastic about Slimming World and said I was very welcome to go along with her to the next meeting to find our more about it and make up my own mind. I was skeptical but I bit the bullet and on 20th February 2017 I attended my first Slimming World meeting.

While listening to the new member talk I was already having reservations as there seemed to be a lot of weighing and measuring involved and it definitely sounded like despite Slimming World producing their own range of frozen ready meals and soups and sauces there would need to be some degree of cooking undertaken. I don't know why I didn't run out of the building screaming there and then but I didn't. Something was telling me that if I was going to give this Slimming World malarkey a go I'd have to do it properly. I'd have to teach myself how to cook from scratch. I couldn't even boil an egg so to say I found the prospect of making my own food daunting is an understatement.

Cooking had never interested me. My Dad had tried and failed to teach me how to cook chilli con carne years before and I feigned interest at the time but could not wait to get out of the kitchen and back to my room to watch telly. My Aunty had offered to teach me how to cook in the intervening years but I didn't show willing so the offers understandably dwindled. As far as I was concerned I didn't need to learn to cook. My diet had consisted of tinned soups, jacket potatoes and sandwiches and my idea of 'cooking' was putting frozen food in the oven and trying not to burn it. And all of those things were what I considered healthy eating. My actual weekly intake of food consisted of mostly takeways. McDonalds (sometimes twice or 3 times a week), KFC, Burger King, fish and chips, pizza and Chinese. And in between those 'meals' I'd snack on Greggs pasties and sausage rolls, 150g bags of Walkers Sensations crisps, 110g bars of Galaxy, multipacks of Cadburys Wispas and bottles of Lucozade. Definitely no cooking required. Well as of February 2017 all that changed.

I went to Tesco a few days after my first Slimming World visit and bought a large cooking pot, a lot of the things listed in the "Stock Cupboard Essentials" section of the Slimming World book and a shed load of different fruits and vegetables to try. This would be the first of many learning curves as I ended up throwing a lot of the fruit out as I didn't like it but I soon found what worked for me and to this day I still have strawberries, raspberries, blackberries and blueberries for my breakfast every morning.

My early days of cooking were very much trial error and it took a couple of attempts at the various dishes to get the hang of it and get the consistencies and flavours right. It took well over a year but I even got to the stage where I could make bolognese, chilli and soup without my eyes being glued to the recipe at every stage in the proceedings. I actually started enjoying cooking and got excited whenever I'd try new things and they were not only edible but tasty. My repertoire slowly expanded and I would even go so far as to say I make a pretty mean chilli, bolognese and cottage pie now.

At the end of that first Slimming World meeting I completed and signed the relevant forms and paid my membership fee then I had to face the scales for the first time in a long while. They tipped at 21 stone 5.5lbs. I set my first interim PAT (Personal Achievement Target) at 19 stone 5.5lbs and decided that I would reset my interim target at 2 stone intervals - if I got that far.

I lost 0.5lbs in my first week. I was very disappointed as I'd heard of others who had lost half a stone in their first week but I was determined to stick with it. I lost 4.5lbs at my second weigh in so I was glad I didn't run away at the first hurdle.

I got my 1 stone award on 10th April 2017. This was followed by my 2 stone award on 22nd May 2017, my 3 stone award on 7th August 2017, 4 stone award on 16th October 2017 and on 19th February 2018 exactly a year after I joined Slimming World I got my 5 stone award. I was overjoyed to be able to say that I had lost 5 stone in a year! My weight loss slowed down significantly after that but I got my 6 stone award on 16th July 2018.

After that I started struggling and I kept losing my determination and the strong willpower I'd maintained right from the start. I repeatedly fell off the healthy eating wagon and would find myself regularly binging on chocolate, crisps, cakes, biscuits and meals out. I stopped being able to say I had lost 6 stone as my weight crept back up. I'd go back on plan for a few weeks and lose a pound then I'd binge again and put a few pounds back on. More through sheer luck and fluke rather than good planning and hard work I got my 6 and half stone award on 22nd April 2019 after losing 12lb one week and 2.5lbs the following week. Losing over a stone in 2 weeks was totally mind-boggling but it gave me a kick up the bum to keep going when I had seriously thought about giving up.

My friends and family tell me that I'm bound to get bored and fed up after 2 and a half years of following the plan but as this has to be a permanent life change I can't really allow myself to get bored and fed up very often as the fear is if I do make a habit out of it I'll soon be back to my old ways. This is not a diet, this is a way of life. Life will get in the way at times but I'm fitter and healthier than I ever have been so I need to stay this way. That said I can't honestly say that I'm 100% back on plan. I'm more on than off so that's something to cling on to I suppose.

I'm trying a bit harder than I have been but mostly I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I beat myself up whenever I eat something I know I shouldn't be eating and I drive myself mad with feelings of guilt and shame when really I should tell myself that although I may have had some chocolate or some crisps or a piece of cake I haven't started eating 5-6 takeaways a week again and eating Wispa bars for breakfast. I have changed my eating habits and my meals are mostly healthy so the odd sweet treat or junk food snack is not going to make me instantly re-gain 6 and a half stone.

Truth be told I have not only changed my eating habits but I have changed my life. In addition to improving my diet 100% I started exercising in March 2018 to get fit and tone up. Bootcamp and Clubbercise were quickly joined by Park Run and then Bootcamp was replaced by Juicy Fitness and I have since replaced Juicy with more running because I'm taking part in the Great North Run in September 2019. Now I NEVER thought I'd say that!

I can't quite believe I am where I am. The only way I can truly see the transformation is to look at my 'Before and After' photos as when I look in the mirror I still sometimes see the 22 stone person I was in 2013. I can change my body but I can't change my brain and even though I allow myself the (very) occasional moment of pride my overriding thoughts are still those of being self-conscious, self-critical and self-loathing. Weight can come and go but food addictions and body issues are here to stay. All I, or anyone, can do is take one day at a time and keep pushing forward because although putting the weight back on is always a possibility and I can never say I am never going to be 22 stone again I want to do all I can to minimise the chances of that happening.

Who knows what the future holds for me and based on my past history of how I have reacted in times of stress I cannot be sure I wont comfort eat when bad things happen and end up back to square one but at the moment I genuinely feel that I've come so far and I don't want to go back to the me before Slimming World. I'm actually terrified of going back to the size I was before. I feel different. I can do so much more now. I want to keep going. I want to reach my target which at the moment is less than a stone away. Not for any kudos, a certificate, a badge or for free membership but for me.

If I can get down to 14 stone 2lbs I can say to myself and the rest of the world I have lost 8 stone since I was at my heaviest weight and I will be the lightest I've ever been in my adult life. In the meantime I'm happy to no longer be the fattest one in my group of friends when we're out together, I'm happy to be able to fit back in clothes I last wore 16 years ago, I'm happy to have recently bought a dress in a size 16, I'm happy to no longer have to wedge myself in to a seat whenever I go to the theatre, I'm happy to not be in pain when I walk more than a few steps, I'm happy I can run for miles and get my breath back within 30 seconds of stopping, I'm happy I can push my Mam's wheelchair up steep banks and slopes, I'm happy I have a visible chin and I'm happy I have a shorter hair style and I suit it.

One thing I'm not happy about however is the amount of loose skin I now have. It doesn't look great and makes buying clothes difficult and it actually hurts when I'm running. I know some people have surgery to remove loose skin after weight loss but that's not for me. While seeing the skin when I'm not wearing close frustrates and upsets me I reason that nobody else sees it and that instead of hating it I should be proud of it as it is a symbol of what I have achieved. At least that's what I tell myself to think and feel. I'm not quite at that stage of acceptance yet but I'm working on it. In the meantime I'll just have to wear Spanx and hope that if I can master doing more than one sit up in a row I might firm some of the skin up in time.

I don't know if I'll ever love my body but I like it a bit more now than I did 2 and a half years ago. And I truly believe that if I can lose weight, anyone can.