My Emmy

Emett (or Emmy as he was known to his family and friends) was a truly beautiful soul. He had worked as a Guide Dog until he was nearly 4 years old and was loved dearly by the lady he guided, Janice, and her husband Jim. Emmy retired as a Guide Dog when Janice sadly passed away and Jim was heartbroken when he had to find a new home for Emmy. We were very sad that Jim had to go through such heartache but we felt so lucky and honoured that we were chosen to give Emmy his new home. From the minute he arrived in to our lives on 2nd November 2005 he was cherished and adored. He was spoiled rotten by me, my parents and all of our family and friends. Anyone who met Emmy fell instantly in love with him. He was incredibly loving and gentle. He was playful at times but also liked just lying on the sofa next to me or snoozing on the floor with his toys. He loved his food, like all Labradors do, and we enjoyed spoiling him even though it meant we were regularly scolded by the vet and repeatedly advised to try and help Emmy lose weight. The truth is no-one could resist his beautiful, big, brown, pleading eyes. He was never left on his own and when my Mam and I weren't with him he always had his Dad or his Aunty Joyce and Uncle Ken or friends Susan and Neill with him to keep him company. In his younger days he loved going for walks around the marina near our home or round the park and he loved chasing his ball up the nearby hill or on any large stretch of grass, especially Percy Park. He got excited when he visited Bolam Lake and leapt around in the water like a puppy. He loved his toys and he had 3 laundry baskets full to brim of toys of all shapes and sizes, his favourite being his Slothie. When Emmy started slowing down and becoming less active he was just as happy meandering over to the corner of our street for a sniff and toilet stop or going in our garden and lying under his tree. His favourite position was on the sofa next to me and even when he could no longer manage to jump up he lay at my feet and as long as he was close to me and was being stroked and cuddled he was content. His last few weeks weren't too good but we made sure he had a wonderful quality of life right until the end came and when it did on Friday 22nd July 2016 he was at home and in my arms with his Mam and Dad by his side. Emmy was my best friend and my soul mate and my heart will always be broken. I will never forget him, I will love him forever, he will always be in my heart and never far from my thoughts. 

In loving memory of

Emett (Emmy) Wafer

11/12/2001 - 22/07/2016

https://emett-wafer.muchloved.com

http://www.gonetoosoon.org/memorials/pets/emett-wafer

Butterfly

As a little girl I climbed upon the caterpillar slide

I glanced down to find my Mam looking up at me with pride

I disappeared in to the tunnel and waited to descend   

then found to my horror I couldn't move or twist or bend

I cried out to my family and began to feel quite maudlin

my Mam and Aunty egged me on just thinking I was dawdling

I could feel my panic rising as the dark was closing in

I needed to be heard above the outside din

I kicked against the metal and banged with all my might 

then finally my audience realised something wasn't right 

more people began gathering and the noise levels increased  

I hoped my ordeal was over and I was about to be released

"I'm stuck!" I yelled aware I'd be the butt of many jokes 

the crowds response was not a shock - they thought it was a hoax.

"I'm not telling fibs I'm really jammed and cannot move at all!" 

It should have come as no surprise as I certainly was not small

From being a tot I'd been much bigger than my childhood peers

and since starting school I was subjected to taunts and daily jeers 

I did not care for healthy foods and sought solace in sweet things 

and gave way to all the cravings that comfort eating brings

As I got older my age was not the only number rising 

clothes were always searched for in shops with adult sizing

teenage years and hormones only added to my girth 

my amount of self confidence was seriously dearth

I left behind the playground and it's misery or so I thought

but joining the adult world was equally as fraught

body shaming did not end outside the classroom door 

It happened every where I went, I couldn't take much more

I hid away and stayed inside where nobody could mock 

and only ventured out to work or walk my dog around the block

Then one day in 2003 something in me snapped

and I realised I no longer wanted to be trapped

I knuckled down and made a plan to ditch unhealthy food 

I joined a gym and worked hard to slim while I was in the mood 

I lost 40lbs and felt and looked the best I ever had

friends and family were very proud especially my Mam & Dad  

I'd made a change and didn't think I'd slip back to my old ways   

but despite my best intentions my health kick was just a phase

life and it's stresses had put me in an awful fix    

demons in the mind are cruel and can play some nasty tricks

To ease my pain I reached for the thing that always gave me peace

and gorged on anything and everything filled with fat and grease

I regained the weight I'd lost plus another stone or more

I was far bigger now than I had ever been before

More than another decade of fluctuating weight 

would happen before I'd end up in a near-fatal state   

and realise I finally had to address the obvious painful truth

that obesity was my crime and in the mirror was my proof

I sit here now writing this having lost nearly 8 stones 

I am fit and healthy and I no longer have aching bones 

my body is much smaller now so people delight in telling me

but my brain is still playing catch up so I cannot see what others see

Now let's go back to the start to the girl trapped in the slide

I may be 30 years older but I'm still that child inside

the caterpillar is long gone now but it didn't say goodbye

as it never actually left for it is now the butterfly 🦋

 

  

Metamorphosis

Getting both of my pins in to one leg of my former favourite 'dressy' trousers

2009 & 2018
 

2011 & 2018
 

2016 & 2018

1999 & 2018 

2002 & 2018

2002 & 2018

2006 & 2018

2016 & 2018

2003 & 2018

5 stone difference

6th June 2009 & 6th June 2019

2008 & 2018

10th November 2016

10th November 2017

10th November 2018

2016 & 2018

2011 & 2019




2016 & 2019

2013 & 2019

2013 & 2019 

2016 & 2019 

2013 & 2020

17th May 2010 & 17th May 2020

June 2014 & June 2020

July 2013 & July 2020 

August 2013 & August 2020

October 2015 & October 2020

December 2015 & December 2020

September 2011 & September 2021

10th November 2011 & 10th November 2021

2016 & 2022

2013 & 2023

2013 & 2023 

2013 & 2024 


2018 & 2024 

Weight loss thoughts

These photos were all taken in the decade leading up to me joining Slimming World. My weight has fluctuated wildly over the years. I have always been overweight. I was overweight as a child and it continued throughout my teenage years and young adulthood.

I first tried and succeeded in losing weight in 2002/2003. I'd reached 17 and a half stone and decided I had to do something. I lost 3 and a half stone and managed to keep most of it off for nearly 2 years. However in the Spring of 2005 I was off work with stress and I did what I always do when I'm stressed and depressed, I comfort eat.

Between January 2005 and April 2005 I gained 4 stone. 4 stone in 4 months!!! After recovering from that period of illness I realised what I'd done and I was disappointed in myself but I told myself that I'd lost the weight before so I could do it again. It didn't happen. From that day on I got bigger and bigger and bigger. It was a very gradual process. So gradual that I didn't really notice and when I did start to notice I told myself I wasn't that big.

From 2005 to 2012 my weight crept up and even though I knew I was having to buy a bigger size every time I bought clothes (which wasn't very often as I found shopping for clothes very embarrassing) I just ignored the problem. I was literally the elephant in my own room. Even a perfect stranger calling me a "fat c**t" while I was out with friends in Tynemouth one night wasn't enough to convince me to do something about my weight. Instead I decided not to go out to bars anymore. I still socialised with friends if they were going to restaurants and coffee shops or to each others houses but avoided pubs  and clubs as much as I could. Although I enjoyed being with my pals I was always conscious of being the fattest person in the group and when I look at photos taken on these various occasions I'm smiling but inside I'm crying and filled with shame.

In June 2012 I broke my ankle and was off work. To cut a long, painful story short my physical health declined and my mental health deteriorated severely and I didn't go back to work. My employment was officially terminated in February 2013.

In May 2013 I needed to buy a new pair of jeans for an upcoming trip to London and I had to buy a size 30. I was mortified! Needless to say my weight had reached an all time high. On 7th May 2013 I weighed myself and I was 22 stone 2lbs. I'm pretty sure that is the heaviest I got but I may have even been a few pounds heavier before I finally mustered up the courage to weigh myself.

Between May 2013 and September 2014 I managed to lose 3 stone 2lbs. I was so proud of myself. I fully intended to keep going but unfortunately in September 2014 my Aunty Sheila died and again I gave way to my usual pattern of comfort eating. By March 2015 I had put half a stone back on and after that I stopped recording my weight.

In October 2015 I broke my ankle again so I couldn't walk my friend's dogs which was the only exercise I had been getting. Yet again I gradually gained weight and although I could see it going on I was in denial as to how big I was once more becoming.

Physically I was a wreck. I had been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2001. This in addition to my ankle problems made walking and any physical activity very difficult because I'd end up in pain very quickly. I also couldn't walk far without becoming breathless and stairs were my nemesis. As was housework. After only having changed my bed and vacuuming my tiny 14 ft by 6ft bedroom I would look and feel like I'd just ran 10 marathons! I kept telling myself that I'd have to start dieting soon otherwise I'd just get bigger and bigger. The dieting didn't happen but the getting bigger did.

In January 2017 I attended the Royal Victoria Infirmary for a pre-assesment as I needed a gynae procedure under anaesthetic. I had my weight and height checked and bloods taken and then I was sent for an ECG. It came back abnormal. I got a shock. Despite being morbidly obese for years I'd never suffered from high blood pressure or heart problems. I realise now I was VERY lucky! I was booked in for a repeat ECG the following week. The second one was fine. I was relieved but the first result had really frightened me and made me realise that if I didn't do something about my weight I would develop heart problems.

In February 2017 a friend told me she had just joined Slimming World. Slimming clubs had always scared me as I'd never been a fan of fruit and veg and I couldn't cook and those are the two things I thought would be imperative to following a specific plan successfully. Louise was so enthusiastic about Slimming World and said I was very welcome to go along with her to the next meeting to find our more about it and make up my own mind. I was skeptical but I bit the bullet and on 20th February 2017 I attended my first Slimming World meeting.

While listening to the new member talk I was already having reservations as there seemed to be a lot of weighing and measuring involved and it definitely sounded like despite Slimming World producing their own range of frozen ready meals and soups and sauces there would need to be some degree of cooking undertaken. I don't know why I didn't run out of the building screaming there and then but I didn't. Something was telling me that if I was going to give this Slimming World malarkey a go I'd have to do it properly. I'd have to teach myself how to cook from scratch. I couldn't even boil an egg so to say I found the prospect of making my own food daunting is an understatement.

Cooking had never interested me. My Dad had tried and failed to teach me how to cook chilli con carne years before and I feigned interest at the time but could not wait to get out of the kitchen and back to my room to watch telly. My Aunty had offered to teach me how to cook in the intervening years but I didn't show willing so the offers understandably dwindled. As far as I was concerned I didn't need to learn to cook. My diet had consisted of tinned soups, jacket potatoes and sandwiches and my idea of 'cooking' was putting frozen food in the oven and trying not to burn it. And all of those things were what I considered healthy eating. My actual weekly intake of food consisted of mostly takeways. McDonalds (sometimes twice or 3 times a week), KFC, Burger King, fish and chips, pizza and Chinese. And in between those 'meals' I'd snack on Greggs pasties and sausage rolls, 150g bags of Walkers Sensations crisps, 110g bars of Galaxy, multipacks of Cadburys Wispas and bottles of Lucozade. Definitely no cooking required. Well as of February 2017 all that changed.

I went to Tesco a few days after my first Slimming World visit and bought a large cooking pot, a lot of the things listed in the "Stock Cupboard Essentials" section of the Slimming World book and a shed load of different fruits and vegetables to try. This would be the first of many learning curves as I ended up throwing a lot of the fruit out as I didn't like it but I soon found what worked for me and to this day I still have strawberries, raspberries, blackberries and blueberries for my breakfast every morning.

My early days of cooking were very much trial error and it took a couple of attempts at the various dishes to get the hang of it and get the consistencies and flavours right. It took well over a year but I even got to the stage where I could make bolognese, chilli and soup without my eyes being glued to the recipe at every stage in the proceedings. I actually started enjoying cooking and got excited whenever I'd try new things and they were not only edible but tasty. My repertoire slowly expanded and I would even go so far as to say I make a pretty mean chilli, bolognese and cottage pie now.

At the end of that first Slimming World meeting I completed and signed the relevant forms and paid my membership fee then I had to face the scales for the first time in a long while. They tipped at 21 stone 5.5lbs. I set my first interim PAT (Personal Achievement Target) at 19 stone 5.5lbs and decided that I would reset my interim target at 2 stone intervals - if I got that far.

I lost 0.5lbs in my first week. I was very disappointed as I'd heard of others who had lost half a stone in their first week but I was determined to stick with it. I lost 4.5lbs at my second weigh in so I was glad I didn't run away at the first hurdle.

I got my 1 stone award on 10th April 2017. This was followed by my 2 stone award on 22nd May 2017, my 3 stone award on 7th August 2017, 4 stone award on 16th October 2017 and on 19th February 2018 exactly a year after I joined Slimming World I got my 5 stone award. I was overjoyed to be able to say that I had lost 5 stone in a year! My weight loss slowed down significantly after that but I got my 6 stone award on 16th July 2018.

After that I started struggling and I kept losing my determination and the strong willpower I'd maintained right from the start. I repeatedly fell off the healthy eating wagon and would find myself regularly binging on chocolate, crisps, cakes, biscuits and meals out. I stopped being able to say I had lost 6 stone as my weight crept back up. I'd go back on plan for a few weeks and lose a pound then I'd binge again and put a few pounds back on. More through sheer luck and fluke rather than good planning and hard work I got my 6 and half stone award on 22nd April 2019 after losing 12lb one week and 2.5lbs the following week. Losing over a stone in 2 weeks was totally mind-boggling but it gave me a kick up the bum to keep going when I had seriously thought about giving up.

My friends and family tell me that I'm bound to get bored and fed up after 2 and a half years of following the plan but as this has to be a permanent life change I can't really allow myself to get bored and fed up very often as the fear is if I do make a habit out of it I'll soon be back to my old ways. This is not a diet, this is a way of life. Life will get in the way at times but I'm fitter and healthier than I ever have been so I need to stay this way. That said I can't honestly say that I'm 100% back on plan. I'm more on than off so that's something to cling on to I suppose.

I'm trying a bit harder than I have been but mostly I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I beat myself up whenever I eat something I know I shouldn't be eating and I drive myself mad with feelings of guilt and shame when really I should tell myself that although I may have had some chocolate or some crisps or a piece of cake I haven't started eating 5-6 takeaways a week again and eating Wispa bars for breakfast. I have changed my eating habits and my meals are mostly healthy so the odd sweet treat or junk food snack is not going to make me instantly re-gain 6 and a half stone.

Truth be told I have not only changed my eating habits but I have changed my life. In addition to improving my diet 100% I started exercising in March 2018 to get fit and tone up. Bootcamp and Clubbercise were quickly joined by Park Run and then Bootcamp was replaced by Juicy Fitness and I have since replaced Juicy with more running because I'm taking part in the Great North Run in September 2019. Now I NEVER thought I'd say that!

I can't quite believe I am where I am. The only way I can truly see the transformation is to look at my 'Before and After' photos as when I look in the mirror I still sometimes see the 22 stone person I was in 2013. I can change my body but I can't change my brain and even though I allow myself the (very) occasional moment of pride my overriding thoughts are still those of being self-conscious, self-critical and self-loathing. Weight can come and go but food addictions and body issues are here to stay. All I, or anyone, can do is take one day at a time and keep pushing forward because although putting the weight back on is always a possibility and I can never say I am never going to be 22 stone again I want to do all I can to minimise the chances of that happening.

Who knows what the future holds for me and based on my past history of how I have reacted in times of stress I cannot be sure I wont comfort eat when bad things happen and end up back to square one but at the moment I genuinely feel that I've come so far and I don't want to go back to the me before Slimming World. I'm actually terrified of going back to the size I was before. I feel different. I can do so much more now. I want to keep going. I want to reach my target which at the moment is less than a stone away. Not for any kudos, a certificate, a badge or for free membership but for me.

If I can get down to 14 stone 2lbs I can say to myself and the rest of the world I have lost 8 stone since I was at my heaviest weight and I will be the lightest I've ever been in my adult life. In the meantime I'm happy to no longer be the fattest one in my group of friends when we're out together, I'm happy to be able to fit back in clothes I last wore 16 years ago, I'm happy to have recently bought a dress in a size 16, I'm happy to no longer have to wedge myself in to a seat whenever I go to the theatre, I'm happy to not be in pain when I walk more than a few steps, I'm happy I can run for miles and get my breath back within 30 seconds of stopping, I'm happy I can push my Mam's wheelchair up steep banks and slopes, I'm happy I have a visible chin and I'm happy I have a shorter hair style and I suit it.

One thing I'm not happy about however is the amount of loose skin I now have. It doesn't look great and makes buying clothes difficult and it actually hurts when I'm running. I know some people have surgery to remove loose skin after weight loss but that's not for me. While seeing the skin when I'm not wearing close frustrates and upsets me I reason that nobody else sees it and that instead of hating it I should be proud of it as it is a symbol of what I have achieved. At least that's what I tell myself to think and feel. I'm not quite at that stage of acceptance yet but I'm working on it. In the meantime I'll just have to wear Spanx and hope that if I can master doing more than one sit up in a row I might firm some of the skin up in time.

I don't know if I'll ever love my body but I like it a bit more now than I did 2 and a half years ago. And I truly believe that if I can lose weight, anyone can.