People think I'm a wonderful daughter. They see me with my Mam and think that because her and I are exceptionally close and we do everything together and because I spend most of my life looking after her that I am a model daughter. But a lot of people don't know that I also have a Dad who is now in poor health and who I don't do enough for. My Dad and I have a complicated, fractured relationship and because of that and the fact that I look after my Mam I have withdrawn from my responsibilities to my Dad and asked social services to look after him. Sadly though they aren't doing a good job and he isn't getting the care and attention he needs. I feel very guilty and sad as I know I should be the one caring for him as his only daughter but I do not have the mental or physical energy to look after both of my parents. Despite having good reasons for not devoting myself to my Dad in the same way I do my Mam I still feel awful knowing that he is in such a poor state and has nobody else to look out for him and it plagues me that we are in this situation but I truly do not think I could take up the responsibility once more. Despite reassurances that social services were putting steps in place to cater to his needs he had hardly any food in, was unclean and confused when I last visited him. I have been letting his social worker and her colleagues oversee his care and keeping my distance from the situation as my mental and physical health had begun to suffer as a result of the constant worry but it doesn't sit well with me that my Dad is struggling and the supposed experts are not doing their jobs properly. I did tell his social worker I did not think he would not cope at home after she sent him home from the care home he had been living in for 4 months and I made it very clear that I could not look after him but it was not felt he was ill enough to warrant 24 hour care. I feel like I'm constantly making excuses as to why I can't do more for him but the truth is being a full time carer for my Mam is very hard and although people say they understand why I can't look after my Dad as well I'm fearful that people will be wondering why I'm not doing more or caring for him myself but I do think that if I had to care for 2 parents the stress would kill me. I'm completely torn. I should do the right thing and what is expected of me but although I'm not typically a selfish person I am being selfish in that I'm putting myself first ahead of my Dad and doing what I want instead of what is best. It feels like I have a terrible secret. I'm seen as this wonderful person who devotes her entire life to her disabled mother and it is true that I do live to look after her and give her the best life possible and cannot imagine my life without her but then I feel like a total fraud as I just cannot give the same amount of love, patience, sympathy, attention, tolerance and compassion to my other parent despite the fact he is now vulnerable and poorly with a dementia like illness and isn't the strong and independent person he always was. That in itself is gutting. I never thought I'd see my big, 18 stone, biker, rock music loving, beer drinking, tattooed, well travelled, bombastic, opinionated, intelligent and eloquent Dad become a thin, unkempt, vacant, confused, befuddled, incoherent shell of a man. But that being said he has hurt me so much over the years and I cannot seem to get past my feelings of pain and neglect and disappointment to enable me to do the right thing and look after him now he is so vulnerable. As his daughter I know I should be doing it and people will think I'm a terrible, inhuman person for not helping him but I just can't. I don't have it in me. Nevertheless it's breaking my heart. The professionals are not going a good enough job and I can't do it and even though I've tried to ignore the situation nobody deserves to be left to struggle so I need to step in and do something. I feel like I am failing my Dad. I love and care about my friends and family and for anybody else I would try and help them in any way I can but where my Dad is concerned I just don't have the same feelings for him. And although his own behaviour has caused my feelings to dwindle I still end up feeling like a bad person. I am told I am a kind and thoughtful person but I can't shake the feeling I am letting my Dad down but I can't change the way I feel, it's like a strange detachment or numbness. To the outside world Facebook makes me look like the perfect daughter for doing what I do for and with my Mam but I'm really not the good daughter I appear to be and it eats me up inside. I try so hard to be all things to all people and to give my Mam the best life but I can't be the daughter my Dad needs.
